And the rest is history…
I fell in love once, just the once. It was that gut wrenching, brain melting, breath stealing, swept off your feet thing.
You know that one, the one that the romance novels make a ton of money out of telling you about. Describing it is very unsatisfactory for a writer – and I hope that some of the above is recognisable to most if not all who read this, cause it should happen at least once in your life.
But be aware that it really doesn’t happen the same way twice!
So that initial thing is like the first hit of a drug and I’m told that is why it is called ‘Chasing the Dragon’,
Afterwards your body and brain remember the feeling, it is no longer something new, so maybe if we change the recipe slightly…?
The recipe, the dose the ingredients all play a part in how we get hooked on things.
So does the timing. Mr Jagger once posited that ‘you can’t always get what you want, but you might just find you get what you need’.
Great sentiment, very wise words the problems arise when we don’t recognise the thing that we need when we need it and go of like Parzival looking for something perfect, just what we think we want, that if we can just get hold of it everything will be just as it should always be.
That one time love thing…it lasted a very long time and was not entirely reciprocal. Not entirely, he was very fond of me, how crushing is that?
Amazingly if you are in the brain zapped stage of the neural peptide explosion (which is the chemical reaction of the brain to the new stimuli) you will find that you can forgive such insignificant things and resolve to wait it out until he or she suddenly realises that you only draw breathe because they are in the Universe.
I had an excuse…I was only twelve.
Mind you that excuse was only viable for the first year or so, all the way through adolescence if the hormone thing is the driver of these debacles. There are other more insidious drivers that push on beyond what hormones can do.
The rest of it, all thirty odd years of it, waiting and wondering, being patient and saving my heart for him and him alone, led to my being very alone a lot of the time, which wasn’t a problem really I had my work and my writing and my love for him stronger than ever and re-enforced every so often with a call or a postcard with more words on the address than on the message. If he keeps in touch he must love me…So I can’t really be with anyone else, not seriously cause it wouldn’t be fair to do that and then when he turns up on my doorstep…
Maybe he did love me; maybe it was his ego that was being stroked, maybe if I’d been a little more…
He did say to me once, ‘if only you had been older when we met…’ this was when I was 17 – it took him that long to crack on he’d been seriously interested at all, but then he was 27.
Ah those words were worth another five or six years of devotion easily!
And so it went on. Until over the course of time when he’d finally cut me off completely and I could only wonder where in the World he was and if he was doing alright, if he was still alive even.
Eventually I began to do my own thing and to get back into the world step-by-step, bastard-by-bastard.
I was lucky, I have a very strong will, that helped me through the ‘knight in shining’ phase, and the fall out afterwards.
That is possibly why we should change the endings to some fairy tales and say that the happy ever after doesn’t always come the way you expect it too or when you expect it to, and sometimes if we are totally blind we miss it completely and keep on looking for holy grails.
Some of which are very promising until looked at up close… when you find the tarnished and not so perfect parts off you go again.
What happened to me? Oh well, I stopped looking and went off and did something else instead and interesting things started to happen.
I don’t really regret the time I spent locked into the dream, I learned a lot about human nature there, and I learned how strong I could be. I also learned a lot about men… some of it was even good!
I never did have that neural peptide rush again, quite possibly I never will, I think I prefer to be able to actually talk to the man I’m with not just sit there in awe totally ga-ga! Waiting for him to say something profound like ‘geez the sauce’
In saying that, men can and do get themselves tied up in the most amazing situations. Sometimes they don’t want to take responsibility for themselves so they take it for you, if you let them!
They can be led on just as easily as we, even though they know it’s really putting their heads on the block, if this would just happen, if that would take place and until that time I can wait. Wait for what, a person to love you so much they can’t bear to be without you for a nano second longer…?
If such is the case, where are they? There should be no obstacles human or otherwise that would stop you from being together and certainly nothing on this earth or off of it would entice you to be with someone else in the meantime, unless deep down you know that it is just stardust and dreams. Perfection is what we make it.
We make ourselves happy or we make ourselves miserable – the amount of work is the same, so says Carlos Castaneda, and he is absolutely right!
Anyone who professes to love another to the extent that they are soul mates, and meant to be and anyone who accepts an offer of such magnitude, by the very nature of the love they profess to share would move heaven and earth to be together right NOW! It is their responsibility to each other, and to the Universe that is putting them together, or is it just that there is a lesson to be learned…
Ah, once upon a time…
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